Tuesday, October 21, 2008
100 things about me, #21
i tend to forget to share my vision of things
how badly did i want to skip over this one? is there any way to sum up this statement in a self-portrait?!?
i am a dreamer, a visionary! i am proud of those words, yet i also recognize the inherent drawback of being a person who deals with end results, and not so much the steps it takes to get there.
part of my struggle is that my visions are beautiful, complex, sometimes expensive, important. of course, important. and perfect. did i mention perfect?? i often feel paralyzed by the importance, the hugeness of my visions. my mind literally reels with the first step, then the what-ifs, then the and-alsos, the but i coulds and the maybe i shoulds... and finally, too often, the why bothers?
my visions are so vivid in my mind, i am often quite startled when they don't come to pass. or come to pass quite differently than how i had imagined. you see, i have my end results spinning around in my imagination, packaged with a bow and ready to be filed away in the part of my brain that is reserved for great successes!! never mind that it will probably take many steps and much help to attain the end result i desire. my *helpers* will simply get caught up in my tide of enthusiasm, and make it happen!
or, will they?
when matty and i attended a pre-marriage course, the one take-away i actually took away was the minister's not-so-gentle reminder that our spouses are not mind readers. and we should not expect them to be. oh, this is easier said than done, for me. and not just with matty. but with everyone, it seems. it is a constant struggle for me to include those around me in the process, even when i expect them to be the process.
i hate that i struggle with this. i hate that it creates a ton of stress for me, and for those around me. i suppose this may be a form of self-defense (what if nobody likes my idea? what if i fail?) is it really easier to weather those self-doubts alone? i'm sure not. and, yet...