do you ever do those countdown-to-something-big thing? you know, this is the last full day of school before vacation; this is the last Christmas in this house; this is the last vacation with no children (one child, two children, etc)... i'm there now. within the last week of. the final days of.
truth be told, i've spent the better part of the past 24 hours in tears. inexplicable waves of emotion. heart-wrending sobs in the shower. stifled sniffles and dewy eyelashes. i'm doing myself no favors by listening to an eternal playlist of kate bush and brandi carlile and dido and sarah mclachlan.
part of this is shear exhaustion. i haven't had a break from this hotel life since last january.
part of this is tender memories of last fall and early winter. the time when we were losing Grabbie.
part of this is vacation-related-stress. i've never been on vacation with just my two before. i'm all of a sudden feeling like one hotel room is a small place for three vivacious personalities.
but part of this, a big part, is the-countdown-to-something. the last days of a significant part of my life. the inevitable "have i accomplished the things i had hoped to accomplished?" "am i where i want to be?" "am i WHO i want to be?" for a startling moment last night, the only phrase i could utter was "i want to go home."
even more startling, i was convinced that "home" was not a place i have found. yet.
i am doing my best to entertain the notion that "forty is the new thirty." or whatever. but i don't want a new thirty. in fact, i kind of want a chance to do my old thirties over again. not all of them. but some. definitely some.
i've turned off the music now. it's gotten to be a little much, even for me. i'm going to spend the rest of this last friday doing the things i normally do: most likely enjoying pizza in my pajamas, with my boys, watching a movie. maybe knitting.
and tomorrow, i've got to get up and coach the last soccer game of my thirties. so, there's something!