Thursday, March 13, 2008

foggy



this was the scene on the drive to work this morning, fog sitting low over the lake, blue skies just above, yet just out of reach.

sort of a mirror of my mind this morning.

i've been working a lot of evenings the past two weeks. touching base with the *old* me, the one who used to be a guest service representative most nights, from 3 - 11 pm. touching base with the guests, many of whom have been visiting our hotel since we opened 8 years ago. laughing and joking with them, catching up, WOW-ing them with my uncanny ability to be a great customer service person. (this is something that makes me *extra* special - i've just been out of touch with it for a while...) i love feeling connected with the hotel, with my teammembers, with my guests.

only, i am terribly disconnected from my family.

i hate that working evenings is wreaking havoc with my home life. the *old* me didn't mind coming home after a long night, scarfing down some leftovers, catching the late news, falling asleep after 1 a.m.

i hate that my family doesn't function as well when i'm not home. i hate that jack stays up too late, homework left until the next morning. i hate that taylor eschews dinner, and holes up in her bedroom with a bowl of cereal. i hate that matty makes only half-hearted attempts at all of the things i do each evening. i hate coming home to dirty dishes in the sink, while the dishwasher sits empty, waiting. i hate that the porch light is not on to greet me when i finally creep home. i hate the late news.

there, i've said it. i often look for concrete evidence that my house would not run as efficiently without me. i hate that that evidence is the detritus of my families' lives lying in piles of dirty dishes and yesterday's junk mail.

i'm foggy. i don't like the bitter feelings i'm having about my family. tonight, i will be home. ironically, no one else will be there. but i'm looking forward to some quiet, some time to reclaim my home from my family. i will get some sleep. the fog will burn off.

it will, won't it?

19 comments:

Becky said...

Sending hugs and prayers your way Lelly! It sounds like you've been having a rough time--enjoy your quiet evening.

Neighbor Jane Payne said...

I love the way and the honesty with which you wrote this post, Lelly. Hang in there. Hang in there.

Jenny said...

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to work full time and try and manage a family. I hope you get some r&r tonight. Hang in there Lelly!!

michelle said...

"there, i've said it. i often look for concrete evidence that my house would not run as efficiently without me. i hate that that evidence is the detritus of my families' lives lying in piles of dirty dishes and yesterday's junk mail."

Yes, yes, YES!!! My feeling EXACTLY. I hope your evening to yourself helped your state of mind.

The monkey bunch said...

Have you told you husband how you feel? Hopefully he reads you blog and will step up a little. Those little things like leaving the porch light on for your wife when she is working late at night make all the difference! I know, I work at night, too! Here's hoping it gets better for you!

stacy{s} said...

Oh how I know that same "fog bank."

Hope it lifts for you soon!

Holly said...

First, here's a HUG! I'm sorry that things have been so off kilter for several days and your home and family is showing the signs of Where's Lelly?

Enjoy tonight, even though you'll be home without the Fam, hopefully you can recharge and regroup.

It is nice though you have been able to spread your Lellyness around the hotel, though it's not the same as your fam.

Holly said...

Whoops! Grammar goober here. I should have said home and family are...

Maybe I'm in a bit of a fog too!

Katie A. said...

That shift is a hard one to work when you have a family. You definitely miss out on all the family time in the evening. I hope things start going better--reconnecting--soon.

PS, I love that fog picture, though not fun to feel like that on the inside.

Bren's Life said...

Oh man! I remember those days. I also used to work for a hotel & loved the people connection & all that. But now as a mom I just can't even imagine how to have a full time job & be a full time mom & wife... Good luck & I hope that dishwasher will magically fill up...

Alisa said...

Sometimes it just feels good to get it out- Hope that blogging helped ease things a bit-

Bridget said...

Wow, that is tough. Don't envy your situation. I hope you have a nice evening at home. Hang in there. We will be thinking of you.

Amanda :-) said...

Oh, Lellylellylellylellski...

I haven't done the working mother thing, so I can only guess how defeated you must be feeling. It that big question working women fret over: can I have it all?

I really don't know the answer. I'm really happy for you finding so much fulfillment in your contact with guests, but what an ar*e to lose it on the family side. Have you seen my links list on my blog? The Bad Mothers Club is funny. It's a lot of women finding humour in seemingly falling short on fulfilling all their womanly roles. I hope you can find time to look at it, and find something to laugh about.
Sending you (((hugs))) in the meantime.

April said...

I just loved this post and all the mental images it made for me. Yes you are completely indispensible and not just for the dishes. They would be lost without you, just look at all that evidence.

Laurie said...

Lelly, I completely relate. I'm at work even as I leave this comment, knowing that all my efforts at home will have been undone by the time I get there tonight. It's frustrating and it's hard, but I think - and hope - that having that night to yourself would certainly help the fog burn off. (Did it?) Time alone = time to regroup and recapture your home self. Then things get better.

carlo said...

oh this tugs at my heart to read this, friend.

so much going on for you all.

i truly believe that moms make the "home" and things function in their own way when we are not there.

i hope your fog has lifted by now?

Jill said...

Yes, thank heavens the fog always burns off (great metaphor and photo by the way).

I really don't know how you manage to work full time, be a wife, mother and stepmother AND run a household...you need a wife! There's no replacement for a mother's touch at home, so it's no wonder everything falls apart when you're not there. I would be super irritated if I came home to dishes in the sink and homework not done too. Maybe this is their warped way of telling you they need you?!

Mandi said...

Lelly, my sister in law - Jennifer (Half Full Life), told me to check out your blog. Well today was fantastic - well done for expressing yourself, I totally get it - what is that?? I so get the why isnt the light on to greet me, I think exactly the same way. I think unfortunately we all get used to the way things are and take them for granted. Take care of you - your amazing, and maybe after a while the family will recognise it.
Mandi - from Australia

Beckie said...

I feel the same way. Since I've gone back to school..it seems that my whole house has ceased to function. Most of this year has been me in a fog. Loves and Hugs to you and hang in there.