Sunday, March 20, 2011

identity crisis

who
am
i?

as i try (really try) to get back into my blogging habit, i've been struggling with that age old question: who am i?

i think the better question is, in this age of quasi-anonymous digital social communications, who do i want you to think i am?

because, honestly, can you know the difference? unless you are my family, or the person i spent my summers with at music camp, or my best college bud, do you really know me? the answer is, of course, no. and, really, those people don't know me.

they think that i'm a fun mom.
they think that i have decent taste in music.
they think that i have faith.
they think that i'm comfortable financially.
they think that i'm happily married.
they think that i'm an inspirational boss.
they think that i'm fit and active.
they think that i'm creative, that i make things with my hands.

they think i've got it together.

and i do. i am! i am all of these things. some of the time.

but most of the time? most of the time i am trying so hard to keep it positive. most of the time i am upset with myself for being short tempered. most of the time i am worried about how to plan and pay for a much-needed vacation. most of the time i am obsessing about the number on the scale.

most of the time, i think you are prettier than me.
that you have more money than i do.
that your family is happier.
that exercising and eating well come naturally to you.
that your kids don't struggle with ADHD and general obnoxiousness.
that you love your spouse unconditionally.

most of the time, i think you are doing a better job than i am.

and my blog posts have reflected that over the past few years. when i do something fun and creative, i blog the heck out of it! i share pictures and smiles and links that rival the smiling faces and handmade goodness that draw me to your blogs.

but lately (can we consider the past 2 and a half years "lately?"), i haven't had as much of that to share. or maybe i have, but i haven't been inclined to blog about it. amuse-bouche is in transition. because i am in transition.

i'm rereading my 100 list today. and maybe working on another one. it's been four years since i took time to jot down those incredibly important 100 things about me. (the sarcasm is real, folks!) i wonder what will make the cut this time. i wonder if i can even rally 100 things?

who am i? i hope you'll stick around while i try to figure this all out. and i'm not just talking about the blog...

13 comments:

Chris said...

You know what I love about you and your blog.....realness. Love the post and I am thinking you are not alone in your thoughts. My blog has been empty for almost a year and scantily written before that. I have been thinking more about it.... I will watch here and may have to find "me" too.

Deb said...

*gasp* I love this post. I'm trying to find who I am... what life means for me... etc. I'm gonna watch your journey. :)

Marie said...

No one is the same person every moment of every day. We are all in transition all the time.

You're in good company.

Alisha said...

This is a great post! Why? Because it is so "human"--something we can all relate to. In the same way that we are all inspired by the smiling faces and handmade goodness of blogs, we all (and may I go ahead and speak collectively for the blogosphere at large here because I have that right, you know, yes sarcasm intended) say, "yep, I get that. yep, that's me." I was way too short-tempered with my obnoxious-ish 10-yr son yesterday, way too grumpy with my happily-married husband, yada yada yada ditto ditto ditto. I need a vacation, can't pay for it. I should exercise, I don't. ditto ditto ditto ditto. I love your blog, no matter what state, Lelly. Good luck with your new 100!

Holly said...

Once again you've hit the nail on the head--who am I and how does that show up through blogging/tweeting/facebooking, etc. Much less 100 important things on my sidebar. Ha! (Mine are outdated too)

I feel like I can fit on both of your lists--we're all more than what we blog about--good and bad.

But I'm definitely sticking with ya as you figure it all out. :)

Nikki said...

I hear you!!
I always want to present the best me, but ironically, the blogs I enjoy reading the most are the really real ones. Yea for those like you- brave and bold enough to show their true self!

Jill said...

I think we can all relate to what you're saying here. I know I constantly think everyone else is financially secure, more happily married, more pulled together and generally more contented than I am, so it's a wonder that blogging is still such a pull for me. I think we all do better when we tell the truth and help each other figure things out along the way.

Janet said...

Are you reading all of these responses? We're all saying that you're not alone....that we all have transitional times, sometimes for worse, more often for better. I love that you don't paint your blog pink if you're feeling blue. Who needs everyday pink blogs anyway??!

I think you are a daughter of God, and therefore you have endless potential! Yep, and you have lots of cool blogging friends who take you for who you are- and love you!!

michelle said...

I totally get this, Lelly. Totally.

I had to laugh at you saying that exercising and eating well come naturally to others! Really? Certainly not to me.

I frequently wonder how I come across to blog friends. Or real-life friends. I try to keep it real, but you just never know.

Kim Sue said...

"most of the time, i think you are doing a better job than i am" I get bogged down in that a lot!

kris said...

Lady?

Welcome to the club.

Seriously.

I am in a constant state of flux and adjustment . . .trying not to fall prey to negative thinking.

Accepting comments is a very good step, babe.

I do like to say hello.

Hello, you.

You are much like me.

Brandi Vas said...

We all feel this way. I think it's why we blog. Once upon a time we diaries.....now we have blogs. I got your back Lelly! I also have a 6 pack to share with you:)

Neighbor Jane Payne said...

Ahhhhhh Lelly....this is a great post -- being us without apologizing for being us. I love you the way you are and the way I think you are!