Thursday, March 10, 2011

i'm going to say a bad word

this one time? at band camp?

seriously, i was at music camp and sitting in my assigned seat at Steve's table. Steve was an alpha male counselor who was in charge of the waterfront. in my mind's eye, he sort of resembled Don Johnson(not a compliment)(at least i don't mean it to be). at any rate, he bugged me with his smug self-assuredness.

one day at lunch, i got mad at him. i have no idea why. what could have possibly been so frustrating about lunch? about him? i don't know. but i was mad, that flushed cheeks frustration that's a good combination of anger and (probably) embarrasment.

and sitting there, twisting a paper napkin in my lap, staring at my empty plate as the bread basket passed by, i said, quite clearly (and quite softly), "fuck you."

i swear, i barely moved my lips. but he heard it. boy, he was pissed! and i was... mortified. but a little bit relieved.

i'm not gonna lie... it felt sorta good, my whispered rebellion. for a moment, i felt powerful and important, and, dare i say, just a teeny bit bad! however, i was immediately awash in guilt and angst. that sort of language was certainly not tolerated in my house. but i was away at summer camp, hundreds of miles away from my parents. they would never know! sitting here, typing these words 27 years later, i still feel like a 14 year old who got away with something.

and sitting here, 27 years later, i want to say it again. because you know what? i am angry and frustrated. and a little bit embarrassed. i want to yell "FUCK YOU" and find some relief.

7 comments:

stefanie said...

This is a truly brilliant post. You have such a gift for writing. I felt like I was right there with your 14 year-old self... and I can sympathize with where you are now. I will leave you with my dad's most used 'motivational' saying... don't let the bastards get you down!!

Leah said...

I say it loud and often. It helps.

MoonGoddess said...

Scream it to the clouds & back if it helps (just not in front of parrots of other people's children...)

Funny how simple 4 letters can bring such empowerment & relief at times.

Hoping you feel less frustrated soon & remember the other four letter word:

HOPE

John said...

You've seen my timeline, so you know that the "f-word" and I are hardly strangers...but, wow, did this bring back memories about band camp...doing those things that you knew were bad, that there was absolutely no way you could get away with them at home, but there you go.

I remember planning & sneaking out of my cabin in the middle of the night, simply to meet up with a cabin of girls - no hanky panky, nothing "bad," just, simply, going out.

Rumor has it that the chaperones knew of the adventure & monitored from a distance, cracking up at how "bad" we were.

Hannah said...

I can't stop laughing. Oh I am sorry your day warrants the vulgarity. I used to say it often until I had kids...now damnit is the most oft spoken. Hope tomorrow is better!

kris... said...

i've been known to say it a few times myself lately... and I don't usually say bad words. Sometimes, you just gotta...

Alisha said...

Don Johnson-smug-types inspire that kind of language in all of us, at any age I think. Whoever or whatever, I hope he/it passes out of your life as quickly as music camp came and went.